Trust is messy.
It takes work.
It requires intention.
It demands our commitment.
And quite frankly it is easier to Distrust than to Trust.
Why?
Because...
We have no responsibility.
We have no stake in the game, no dog in the fight.
We simply play the blame game!
Distrust is toxic. It’s an unwinnable mind game. And a game no one wins!
Charles Feltman, in The Thin Book of Trust, 2nd Edition, gives us wonderful definition for distrust:
What is important to me is not safe with you.
Let me give you a few examples of what distrust looks like in action:
- When you tell someone, you are going to do something and don’t, not once but repeatedly, translates into “You don’t care about me as a person. You only care about yourself.”
- When at every turn you are “covering your own backside”, aka CYA, using email as the cover. Blasting someone for doing or not doing something, because you felt they should already know or because you don’t want to take responsibility for your part in the confusion, frustration, or breakdown.
- Facing our customers is tough—really tough—when we’ve broken our promises…and yet we ask them to trust us blindly anyway. And, when they leave us we wonder why. We explain it all away with, “Well, we did everything we could.” But did we? Honestly?
Every time we treat the other person with disrespect, we are also treating ourselves with disrespect.
When we enter conversations without knowing the context, we can easily slip into destructive conversations (see my blog Constructive or Destructive Conversations). We are out of integrity.
And the truth is INTEGRITY is all we have.
As Brené Brown reminds us.
Integrity is choosing
Courage over comfort
Doing what is right over what is fast, fun, or easy
Living your values and not just professing them
Integrity, I believe is the “Hallmark of Leadership”. A topic I flush out in detail in my debut book, Discover the Matrix, available in early 2023.
In my early corporate experience, I learned from a Leadership Master, C.T. Hill about the importance of integrity. C.T. would often be heard saying to executives and new hires alike:
Integrity + Credibility = Trust = Currency = What You Spend
And if your bank account is EMPTY, well...Trust isn’t even possible.
Trust doesn’t just happen.
It’s not passive.
Trust is a deliberate act.
And we if don’t take care of it…well, we fall into what is referred to as the dreaded Trust Trap.
In the Trust Trap we,
- Assume trust is already always present. “Of course, you can trust me. You have no reason not to.”
- Decide that trust isn’t possible because of role or function within the organization. “The sales and marketing teams simply can’t get along.”
- Think you can simply avoid trust all together by ignoring the situation or person. “That’s not my problem. I don’t run that department.”
The Trust Trap is a direct result of not only our lack of competency, but also our lack of commitment to the work of creating, building, maintaining, restoring, and sustaining trust within our relationships--including the trust with ourselves.
When we fall into the trap, we take on the role of victim, persecutor, or rescuer. These roles do not support building or rebuilding trust, however, if we are not paying attention, we can become addicted to the feeling these roles offer us, such as righteousness, pity, and superiority.
To escape the madness, we must develop a new understanding of trust and actively develop a relationship with trust rather than only asserting its importance.
This is deeply personal and intentional work--with everyday routines and social practices.
What I can promise, is that if you put in the work...your relationships and life will forever change for the better. You will become known as someone with a strong character, brand, and more importantly someone who lives and leads in integrity.
Look for Part II of this blog, The Truth About Trust, where we will continue the conversation and reveal why it requires us to be adults.
Here’s to Igniting Success (yours and ours) and living a life less ordinary every day!
To learn more, go to the “The Book” on Igniting Success website and sign up for an advanced signed copy of my debut book
Discover the Matrix: Integrity is the Hallmark of Leadership due out in early 2023.
